Man's health

 

Man's health

It was two weeks ago that I wrote a piece about how to get my man back on track after the first year of therapy. In reality, it's been six months and over $2000 in medical bills and a lot more than that. My friend, Robyn, is still waiting for her husband, James, to get his act together. We're very grateful for those who have helped him get a handle on this (and some of the things he needs to do), but we know there are some things he needs to be more focused on to truly heal. This week, he has asked that I get another column out about how to move forward. After reading through all of these articles, I started thinking what would be beneficial and I thought that Robyn would be interested in getting their story out so I went to see them, only to find out they weren't aware of Robyn's current situation. So I gave up hope and decided to write them one and tell their story from start to finish on their journey with James. Now, as you can imagine, since then, James has had to adjust his lifestyle after living in Florida during Covid-19 restrictions and I'm sure he wants to try his best to start healing and moving forward. But before he does, let me explain again what happened in the past months...

Back to the Beginning

After writing about James, I received multiple emails in the last couple of days notifying me of new subscribers and people wanting content. The first email came just after I had published my article. Someone actually emailed me directly asking for more information on how to get help with their husband after leaving my ex four years ago. It was a shocker for me because I was surprised by this kind of response but the truth is that I thought it might be true because someone emailed me after the fact. As such, I did some research into what I could about it and came across articles stating that women have reported experiencing sexual violence after divorce and that many will end up living with their abusers if they don't leave them. I also found out that men who stay with their partners longer often feel more guilty toward them.

The good news is that our community has more resources available online for women seeking help. In 2016, I created the Women's Wellness Resource Center, or WOMR for short, which provides training and support to both men and women, especially those who have experienced abuse. WOMR works tirelessly to create a safe space for anyone who identifies as female, including transgender and nonbinary individuals, and to provide support that people need. Many times, I see men come into WOMR looking for a place where they can learn how to change from their partner because they've grown exhausted and frustrated by their partners and it puts them at risk for serious physical harm or even death. However, we cannot allow those suffering, regardless of gender identity, to go untreated, and for that reason, I encourage everyone to use WOMR if they decide to seek professional assistance. The main thing to remember: WOMR is here to assist and is there to aid as well. If you'd like additional information on any of the services provided, check out their website for more information. I am thankful that WOMR exists today, and I thank the entire team at WOMR for creating this resource that helps empower people and makes them a step closer to recovery and being able to live life with dignity.

The Backlash

After a while, as our newsletter has increased in readership, so too have the comments. Some of them don't seem to understand the importance of healing and, more importantly, that men should always take care of themselves. Sometimes I see posts on Facebook that state that men can't heal unless they are allowed to be themselves. While this may well be said, it should be understood that all people require self-care, whether a woman or a man, to ensure they make healthy choices that prevent a variety of health problems from beginning to occur, some of which include sexual assault. These ideas stem from studies in recent years showing that there is no difference between male and female responses to sexual harassment because they involve different levels of aggression and aggressive behavior based on sex and age. Furthermore, studies suggest that many behaviors don't necessarily reflect emotional distress. Although this post is meant to address these issues and give insight on how to identify the problem early, many commenters who are new to the subject will be misled by inaccurate claims made by the author.

More than three months later, James told me several weeks ago if I wanted to be able to continue working together. He explained that he had begun having nightmares, that he had lost sleep and that he seemed uncomfortable, especially when he thought of his wife and his relationship as a whole. When James explained to me that he didn't want a divorce, I knew he needed to get on board with this whole process, and that I should be helping him along the way. A few hours later, he sent an email to his friends telling them to talk to him if they were worried. Like this:

"I hope you aren't going crazy with all of your questions! Love ya, Xo!"

I hope they love each other and are supportive from the start as well. With all of that being said, and with the constant reminder of our shared goal: to have James and Robyn happy, I went into the next section with five goals that I wanted James to have for once, but for now, I'll focus solely on two:

Maintaining positive relationships, and

Getting well.

Maintaining Positive Relationships with Your Partner

Over the past month and a half, James has done amazingly. His work of connecting and caring with his daughter is fantastic. At first, I wasn't convinced that any changes would happen until his work with his daughter improved. Since March, the communication between us has really increased. We also met a few times throughout the pandemic and are currently planning to attend couples meetings. Our first meeting was pretty good, but I wasn't convinced when he told me that his life after the war was mostly perfect. Now that he's learned that he had survived and worked through the trauma, he said he hopes to build a stronger connection with his daughter. This isn't going to happen overnight, that much is clear, but it is something that James needs to do to rebuild the trust that existed between himself and his wife.

Getting Better

After James spent almost seven months away from home due to covid-19 restrictions, I began considering him for the role of full-time assistant therapist. Unfortunately, James had fallen off the wagon more than once and he did not return to working at his office because he felt unmet needs were being solved at home and that the job was not rewarding enough. I assumed this would lead to less work for James, and that since he had already worked through difficult past relationships, a divorce wouldn't be such a big hurdle. It took almost a month for me to convince him that moving to Denver would mean a greater amount of stress for him and the stability he craved so badly at home. Ultimately, however, it didn't matter as long as he was stable and comfortable. Before he left, James had already completed eight months of therapy and he was well on his path to recovering from his affair with Mary Jo. I'm afraid that, without James's continued work with his family, he might stop making progress toward being a better version of himself.

Moving Forward

After spending nearly seven months in Colorado, James is settling back into a normal routine. He said that right now it feels weird being away from home, and his daughter doesn't necessarily recognize him yet because she hasn't seen him in person in almost a year. At first, I was worried that perhaps this time around, he might stop working hard during his sessions, but I realized the issue wasn't that he didn't feel comfortable coming back, it's simply that he hadn't had time to process his feelings or his decisions as a result of COVID restrictions. During his previous appointments, he had talked to me about the difficulties he had gone through in his relationship with Lily and how well it has changed and his new relationship with Jim and Martha. I also recognized that his body may be at a breaking point and that he may not have the energy or desire to recover, or he may get tired of the same old cycle of pain and unhappiness. In this case, we were facing a similar challenge, but instead of seeing this issue as a personal crisis, we saw it as a global pandemic and a global economic disaster. Fortunately, he did not experience any severe ill effects the first time he tested positive for COVID. Despite this, he was hospitalized with respiratory issues for three weeks, and the stress of his illness caused the deterioration of his vision and breathing. The combination of illnesses and depression and anxiety had driven him closer to suicide and the mental strain he put him through on top of everything hurt him physically. With all the uncertainty going on in the world and the fear of the next outbreak, he was very depressed, anxious, and irritable and a true test of his resilience and strength for survival would be to return to work with his family in a quiet environment. Even though he tried to keep the lights off, his eyes remained red from lack of oxygen, and he struggled to eat. For the longest time, it made sense to send James to my facility in Kansas City so that he'd experience life outside of his own house for more than 12 months and get used to the idea that he now owned it as opposed to living with his ex in South Carolina. We wanted to create a permanent change in his life and the lives of all of the people in our household and keep them from feeling stuck and forced into the "same" life in either location. Once I'd spoken to him and asked him about the plans for his wedding (which included a ceremony taking place in front of our church and reception at a hotel